12-30-2012, 05:46 PM
Edit 5 Re-posted from pg 3.
Hi, Been working on the punctuation and the Luc Bat, but Leanne mentioned somthing about the sonic element / requirment, so posted up this edit before i go too far and discover i need a big re-think.
Have included line numbers for each stanza - thought this might make it easier for people to highlight individual words or ideas for critique.
Please don't worry if you think you don't understand about the requirments for the forms (that's Leanne's Job
) If you have a nit with anything let me know, i would appreciate your thoughts and help.
(In the final presentation the last three lines of the sestina will be centred and i will take it out of the table)
[table]
[tr]
[td]---------------------------------------------[/td]
[td]----------------------------------------------------[/td]
[td]-----------------------------------------------------[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]
[td]
[td]
[/tr]
[/table]
- Original post -
Ok I probably need to explain what I'm about here.
I have an experimental project I'm working on, that might (or might not) be a cleave poem. You can find the original thread in the Haiku section.
I've come to the point where I would like some critique and to start the editing process...Reguardless of what is considered correct for cleave poetry or not, I'm of the opinion that each individual poem should be correct to form and stand in it's own right. So I decided to present them individually first in the mild section, (before we decide there is anything worth putting up for serious critique!). This is the first of three seperate poems that combined make up a fouth poem. I'm more than happy for any level of critique but obviously the changes will need to work with the final combined effort.
Whilst working on this my biggest question been the punctuation. Do I make this correct for the combined poem?...because I don't think I'm clever enough to make the individual poems correct and then have the combined poem flow unchanged.
(There are a few changes made to this edit from the original as posted in the Haiku thread, but for the purposes of this post i'm looking to find out if this poem works or not).
The Luc bat element. of SEASONAL
March sighing for her love.
Of late, urgent opportunist,
now loves’ unprejudiced,
April, gained through pained mist. Full of
bourgeoning subterfuge,
springs the heavy deluge. Doe eyed,
May leaves the safe refuge,
rough and rude the buds are shaken!
Taken. Lust awakened.
June all too soon, overtaken,
sowing a veil of tears.
Worn out by drought filled fears, played out.
July blue, high, dry, clear,
subterranean streams,
slip-streamed by a moon beam.
Ascending slender dreams of mist,
the final fling revealed.
Pensive August appeals. Concealed,
September – reluctant. Congealed,
bleeding beauty now takes the field,
a fate caressed and sealed. Stone-ground,
October refused to yield. Pierced lamb,
a nest bound swallow. Last, not yet
fully fledged, held in debt.
November plays roulette. Focussed
for the final dozen.
The broken bridge. Orphan, sylvan
leaves December corban.
The simple things that mean so much,
dependant on love’s touch.
January will need a crutch.
With darkened countenance,
now searching luminance; best guess,
found in pre-eminence.
the growing grace, a fitted glove.
February’s white dove.
Hi, Been working on the punctuation and the Luc Bat, but Leanne mentioned somthing about the sonic element / requirment, so posted up this edit before i go too far and discover i need a big re-think.
Have included line numbers for each stanza - thought this might make it easier for people to highlight individual words or ideas for critique.
Please don't worry if you think you don't understand about the requirments for the forms (that's Leanne's Job
) If you have a nit with anything let me know, i would appreciate your thoughts and help. (In the final presentation the last three lines of the sestina will be centred and i will take it out of the table)
[table]
[tr]
[td]---------------------------------------------[/td]
[td]----------------------------------------------------[/td]
[td]-----------------------------------------------------[/td]
[/tr]
[tr][td]
(Luc Bat)
L1 March sighing for her love.
L2 Of late, urgent opportunist,
L3 Now loves’ unprejudiced,
L4 April, gained through pained mist.
L5 Bourgeoning subterfuge,
L6 Springs the heavy deluge.
L1 Ma leaves the safe refuge,
L2 rough and rude the buds are shaken!
L3 Taken. Lust awakened,
L4 June all too soon, overtaken.
L5 sowing a veil of tears.
L6 worn out by drought filled fears,
L1 July blue. High, dry, clear,
L2 subterranean streams. Smoothed clean,
L3 Slip-streamed by a moon beam.
L4 Ascending slender dreams of mist.
L5 the final fling revealed.
L6 pensive August appeals.
L1 September – cold. Congealed,
L2 bleeding beauty now takes the field,
L3 Stone ground. Compressed and sealed,
L4 October had to yield. Pierced lamb,
L5 Nest bound, swallow not yet
L6 Fully fledged, held in debt.
L1 November plays roulette.
L2 Focussed for the final dozen.
L3 The broken bridge. Orphan
L4 nature leaves December corban.
L5 Simple things mean so much,
L6 dependant on love’s touch.
L1 Januarys’ last crutch.
L2 The ever darkened countenance,
L3 Now searching, luminance;
L4 Re-born into pre-eminence.
L5 Grace growing, fitted glove.
L6. February’s white dove.
[/td]L1 March sighing for her love.
L2 Of late, urgent opportunist,
L3 Now loves’ unprejudiced,
L4 April, gained through pained mist.
L5 Bourgeoning subterfuge,
L6 Springs the heavy deluge.
L1 Ma leaves the safe refuge,
L2 rough and rude the buds are shaken!
L3 Taken. Lust awakened,
L4 June all too soon, overtaken.
L5 sowing a veil of tears.
L6 worn out by drought filled fears,
L1 July blue. High, dry, clear,
L2 subterranean streams. Smoothed clean,
L3 Slip-streamed by a moon beam.
L4 Ascending slender dreams of mist.
L5 the final fling revealed.
L6 pensive August appeals.
L1 September – cold. Congealed,
L2 bleeding beauty now takes the field,
L3 Stone ground. Compressed and sealed,
L4 October had to yield. Pierced lamb,
L5 Nest bound, swallow not yet
L6 Fully fledged, held in debt.
L1 November plays roulette.
L2 Focussed for the final dozen.
L3 The broken bridge. Orphan
L4 nature leaves December corban.
L5 Simple things mean so much,
L6 dependant on love’s touch.
L1 Januarys’ last crutch.
L2 The ever darkened countenance,
L3 Now searching, luminance;
L4 Re-born into pre-eminence.
L5 Grace growing, fitted glove.
L6. February’s white dove.
[td]
(Haiku)
Timed out burst. Feet first.
budding swelling, breaking dam.
bright light, new day. Start.
start right, richly veined,
overflowing growing grass.
Soft breath nuzzling.
nuzzling, nipping.
Leap, thrust, hold. Innocent eyes
may pierce, slipped, held deep.
Deep sleep, dappled shade,
Bugs biting, raindrops kissing.
fighting, free running,
running sweat, deep heat.
matron guarded siesta.
Refreshing dawn dew,
Due for a long drink.
Full fat gloaming, evening mist,
dark green gathering,
gathering clouds pile;
flanked deep, heaving gates aside.
hard tack ground to creep,
creep, cross over. Call
on the wing. Path flight, first thought.
restricted. Re-zoned,
Zoned in, colour cloned.
Leaching last connecting shades,
last step, door is closed.
Closed off, bagged bundle
Fast expanding awareness.
fruitful winter store.
Store shed, bellies full.
cracks plugged to mud and decay,
main stay, straw and hay.
Hay prepped, full mangers.
Frost, sun, wind, cloy sod clearing.
Emerging bud time,
[/td]Timed out burst. Feet first.
budding swelling, breaking dam.
bright light, new day. Start.
start right, richly veined,
overflowing growing grass.
Soft breath nuzzling.
nuzzling, nipping.
Leap, thrust, hold. Innocent eyes
may pierce, slipped, held deep.
Deep sleep, dappled shade,
Bugs biting, raindrops kissing.
fighting, free running,
running sweat, deep heat.
matron guarded siesta.
Refreshing dawn dew,
Due for a long drink.
Full fat gloaming, evening mist,
dark green gathering,
gathering clouds pile;
flanked deep, heaving gates aside.
hard tack ground to creep,
creep, cross over. Call
on the wing. Path flight, first thought.
restricted. Re-zoned,
Zoned in, colour cloned.
Leaching last connecting shades,
last step, door is closed.
Closed off, bagged bundle
Fast expanding awareness.
fruitful winter store.
Store shed, bellies full.
cracks plugged to mud and decay,
main stay, straw and hay.
Hay prepped, full mangers.
Frost, sun, wind, cloy sod clearing.
Emerging bud time,
[td]
(Sestina)
Necrotic, then new born, now nurturing.
Weathering, the knowledge. The need growing.
A race to embrace life. Replenishing,
every cell, a laden nurse in waiting.
Re-charging, passing and sadly leaving.
The slender, tender touch of love resting.
Freshly planted. Rising, never resting,
behold the glazed nuance of nurturing.
Cleaving into clefts, dividing, leaving,
green and golden garlands, ever growing,
Soft voiced, the trees are whispering, waiting;
cloud baiting. Dewy brush replenishing.
Moisture seeking, roots for replenishing,
Hived bees in honeyed ease, nesting, resting,
dropping nectar. Wind wise in the waiting.
The blushing dog rose, hip scored, nurturing,
twining through the vines. Rapidly, growing
falling curtain. Serrated swords, leaving,
gentle cow-parsley graciously leaving,
Succour-less cells, now non-replenishing.
the worm feed swelling, forever growing.
the turning sod aside, belly up, resting.
A fatal kiss amid the nurturing.
abandoned, alone. The pointless waiting.
Browned off and so very tired of waiting.
the upper tiers are hastily leaving.
Paid up, cashed in net. Gained from nurturing
held by a silent chord, replenishing
The melodic thud, harmonics resting,
Yet ravenous and rapine. Still growing.
The winter wolf is growling and growing.
dependant on the benefice. Waiting.
Upon which, the babe will soon be resting.
The much vaunted harvest, southward leaving.
Blowing the final blast, replenishing,
awakening, loves’ natural nurturing.
Resting on the breast of growing love.
Held in the nurturing and ever waiting arms,
once graven, never leaving. Seasonally replenishing.
[/td]Necrotic, then new born, now nurturing.
Weathering, the knowledge. The need growing.
A race to embrace life. Replenishing,
every cell, a laden nurse in waiting.
Re-charging, passing and sadly leaving.
The slender, tender touch of love resting.
Freshly planted. Rising, never resting,
behold the glazed nuance of nurturing.
Cleaving into clefts, dividing, leaving,
green and golden garlands, ever growing,
Soft voiced, the trees are whispering, waiting;
cloud baiting. Dewy brush replenishing.
Moisture seeking, roots for replenishing,
Hived bees in honeyed ease, nesting, resting,
dropping nectar. Wind wise in the waiting.
The blushing dog rose, hip scored, nurturing,
twining through the vines. Rapidly, growing
falling curtain. Serrated swords, leaving,
gentle cow-parsley graciously leaving,
Succour-less cells, now non-replenishing.
the worm feed swelling, forever growing.
the turning sod aside, belly up, resting.
A fatal kiss amid the nurturing.
abandoned, alone. The pointless waiting.
Browned off and so very tired of waiting.
the upper tiers are hastily leaving.
Paid up, cashed in net. Gained from nurturing
held by a silent chord, replenishing
The melodic thud, harmonics resting,
Yet ravenous and rapine. Still growing.
The winter wolf is growling and growing.
dependant on the benefice. Waiting.
Upon which, the babe will soon be resting.
The much vaunted harvest, southward leaving.
Blowing the final blast, replenishing,
awakening, loves’ natural nurturing.
Resting on the breast of growing love.
Held in the nurturing and ever waiting arms,
once graven, never leaving. Seasonally replenishing.
[/tr]
[/table]
- Original post -
Ok I probably need to explain what I'm about here.
I have an experimental project I'm working on, that might (or might not) be a cleave poem. You can find the original thread in the Haiku section.
I've come to the point where I would like some critique and to start the editing process...Reguardless of what is considered correct for cleave poetry or not, I'm of the opinion that each individual poem should be correct to form and stand in it's own right. So I decided to present them individually first in the mild section, (before we decide there is anything worth putting up for serious critique!). This is the first of three seperate poems that combined make up a fouth poem. I'm more than happy for any level of critique but obviously the changes will need to work with the final combined effort.
Whilst working on this my biggest question been the punctuation. Do I make this correct for the combined poem?...because I don't think I'm clever enough to make the individual poems correct and then have the combined poem flow unchanged.
(There are a few changes made to this edit from the original as posted in the Haiku thread, but for the purposes of this post i'm looking to find out if this poem works or not).
The Luc bat element. of SEASONAL
March sighing for her love.
Of late, urgent opportunist,
now loves’ unprejudiced,
April, gained through pained mist. Full of
bourgeoning subterfuge,
springs the heavy deluge. Doe eyed,
May leaves the safe refuge,
rough and rude the buds are shaken!
Taken. Lust awakened.
June all too soon, overtaken,
sowing a veil of tears.
Worn out by drought filled fears, played out.
July blue, high, dry, clear,
subterranean streams,
slip-streamed by a moon beam.
Ascending slender dreams of mist,
the final fling revealed.
Pensive August appeals. Concealed,
September – reluctant. Congealed,
bleeding beauty now takes the field,
a fate caressed and sealed. Stone-ground,
October refused to yield. Pierced lamb,
a nest bound swallow. Last, not yet
fully fledged, held in debt.
November plays roulette. Focussed
for the final dozen.
The broken bridge. Orphan, sylvan
leaves December corban.
The simple things that mean so much,
dependant on love’s touch.
January will need a crutch.
With darkened countenance,
now searching luminance; best guess,
found in pre-eminence.
the growing grace, a fitted glove.
February’s white dove.