12-30-2012, 09:35 AM
I agree with Todd here about how shorter lines portray chaos more than longer ones -- I think it of it as how quickly our eyes jumpt from one line to the next when they are short, so no matter how calming the images, shorter lines build to a climax.
Overall, I enjoyed the read - I think that you could tighten up the middle section of this to make it more effective - but I liked "trance-sick" and the internal rhyme of "clinical" and "cynical" and the alliteration with "double doubting" and "down and drowing" (did you mean "drowning"?) - so there is definitely a lot of potential here.
Overall, I enjoyed the read - I think that you could tighten up the middle section of this to make it more effective - but I liked "trance-sick" and the internal rhyme of "clinical" and "cynical" and the alliteration with "double doubting" and "down and drowing" (did you mean "drowning"?) - so there is definitely a lot of potential here.