Lisa

[smakpopy]

sorry i got back to this late. 1st off, great edit. you elevated the original poem by a myriad of levels. one thing i noticed are the 'tenses' i could not
transitions to i see instead of i saw

excellent edit. now it clear, the pain the church values, the morality or lack of it they teach us, how dirty we or it is. i think you did the first part or the poem the better service with the edit and wish you could have been a forceful in the 2nd part. but to get what have so far, from what you had is surprisingly good. i wasn't expecting the bravery of a large edit.
i wasn't a lover of the .....'s but that's just me

thanks for the effort and the read.

I fixed some of the problems you found, and i will take another look at the latter half, i may end up rewriting the whole thing to incorperate more of the larger story, or just define what i have here now.