Lisa

[billy]

sorry i got back to this late. 1st off, great edit. you elevated the original poem by a myriad of levels. one thing i noticed are the 'tenses' i could not
transitions to i see instead of i saw

Lisa,
her name was Lisa Clement...

I could not even speak...
Transfixed,
I see her...

Soak in every detail...

She knows...
They talk, they whisper.

She smiles and plays, with the girls... this line stands out as being very powerful, it works on more than one level and feels to be a little resentful of more than the statement. it feels accusatory, she won't go out with me cos she's a lesbian. okay, okay, maybe not but it can be interpreted that way and that only adds to the thing.

I walk in the track, [on the track, or in the tracks]
alone...

I see down,
The ground before me...

Silence.

NO Evil Names...this and the line above do little for the poem (for me)

they,

the boys play games...

tricks on eachother. each other

Different, tall, Quiet, Well mannered...
teachers pet...

I care not.

I walk on the track,
Alone...

I see down,
the ground before me...

the bell Rings.

Class...

Lisa,
Sitting near...

the same room.

Girls...
Shapes...

I close my eyes...
Wonder...
Whats down there..? what's

I am a man...
They are women,

young still...
Treated like pets.

NO.

NO.

NO!

you cannot,
you must not,
we will not allow! now i get this part. and the next.

Morals...

church...

I was a child...

teachings of god...
Impossible Things...

Dream...

Love,
The Garden of Eden...
Gone.

Is it..?

Why,
Why cant i have lisa...?

LISA HAVE ME!

Note...
My soul on paper...
What did i write...?

forgotten...
Sealed love letter...
ON the bus Home, why ON and not on or On?

Offer...

take..?
No.

Drop on lap...
Runs.

snatch up,
Run Home...
Walk..?

Cry...
All night...

God..?

Somehow,
If I just wait...
End up happily Married...

Nothing.

I care not.

God is good, and just...
I know I am good...

Reward?

Next life...?

No.

In heaven...?

Surely I wait.

Cry hard...
Lost.

I walk on the track,
alone...

I see down,
The ground before me...

Silence.

Respect,
See other girls...

Say...

Do...

Nothing.

I wait.

Lisa?
Only one.

Soul mate..?

Losing,
time...
youth...
money...

physically...
Not the man I was.

So much potential...
Lost.

Prison...

Mind...

Diversion...

What do I Want..?
Now?

Money..?
Worthless.

things..?

Small...

House..?
Cabin..?

Wait...

Die.

excellent edit. now it clear, the pain the church values, the morality or lack of it they teach us, how dirty we or it is. i think you did the first part or the poem the better service with the edit and wish you could have been a forceful in the 2nd part. but to get what have so far, from what you had is surprisingly good. i wasn't expecting the bravery of a large edit.
i wasn't a lover of the .....'s but that's just me

thanks for the effort and the read.