12-29-2012, 02:52 AM
Hi, I've written a poem in syllabic verse and wondered how I could make it better. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.
Addiction
You are my sordid, perfect secret,
You are my hero, my heroin;
I crave you more than a thousand pills;
Your body against mine-ecstasy,
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down.
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be.
I try to hallucinate a life
Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion?
We thrive on the rush that floods our veins,
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit;
No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world.
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die.
Addiction
You are my sordid, perfect secret,
You are my hero, my heroin;
I crave you more than a thousand pills;
Your body against mine-ecstasy,
Like the needle that pierces my skin;
Coke me up baby, then let me down.
Let me get high on this endless lust,
Love is for others, we cannot be.
I try to hallucinate a life
Of pure, wholesome domesticity;
But you see, those dreams are too fleeting;
Reality aches like the morning,
Of blue bruises and shadows of joy;
Would legality crush our passion?
We thrive on the rush that floods our veins,
Forbidden alleys that deal deceit;
No one has guessed and no one can know;
You and me and Charlie rule this world.
You are my snow fall, my knight gone wrong;
I am on a pathway to the sky;
Tell me you love me and I might die.