Comments on your revision:
I like what you did with the ash line. It was a nice expansion of the metaphor.
I've already commented on imagery and syntax.
Addressing these final lines specifically:
Common people suffer, screaming madness,--I like screaming madness. It may be better without the first comma.
Voices drowned by the tumultuous blood-beat,--blood-beat is great as it implies a march toward war. I think the adjective weakens the line though consider cutting tumultuous.
Relentless war machine, turning man into marine,--again relentless weighs the line down and is really not needed to get the feeling across.
Leaving not one man alive, he is man no more.--this line with the syntax and the too telling nature could probably go.
Until no more is man.--not a bad end point if you straighten out the syntax
Again just thoughts to consider.
Best,
Todd
I like what you did with the ash line. It was a nice expansion of the metaphor.
I've already commented on imagery and syntax.
Addressing these final lines specifically:
Common people suffer, screaming madness,--I like screaming madness. It may be better without the first comma.
Voices drowned by the tumultuous blood-beat,--blood-beat is great as it implies a march toward war. I think the adjective weakens the line though consider cutting tumultuous.
Relentless war machine, turning man into marine,--again relentless weighs the line down and is really not needed to get the feeling across.
Leaving not one man alive, he is man no more.--this line with the syntax and the too telling nature could probably go.
Until no more is man.--not a bad end point if you straighten out the syntax
Again just thoughts to consider.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson