12-28-2012, 08:04 PM
To be honest, this needs some work. The uniqueness just isn't there yet. Try to describe things in ways only you can. Make connections that you can use to logically leap to other topics or items that you feel could really express your point. I also feel that another aspect of this piece that needs to be worked on is the abstractions. Abstractions are words that have a different meaning to everyone. For example, peace, love, pain, etc. Instead of telling us about these, it would make your piece way stronger to show these to us through unique descriptions. Good luck with your revisions!