Lisa

[smakpopy]

i think you misunderstood me when i said art is indefensible, i meant that no matter what we're told, a poem or painting etc, only works for someone if it works. if it doesn't work for someone then all the explanations in the world won't make it work, i think we normally imprint the poem in our minds and that's how we always see it despite what the poet may tell us. let's also remember that the poet may say anything he wishes truth or untruth, (and i see no reason why yours isn't or can't be truthful. ) i always try and read a poem while keeping it at arms length from the poet, the writing has to make me connect if there is to be a connection with the poet. does that make sense, i'm not sure it does but it's he only way i can explain it.

I understand, i have vomited out all this, but theres no shiny juicy parts in the mess to draw a reader into it personally.

Maybe if i depicted the "bully" types in some detail or action that the reader can relate to, because they remember similar things going on when they were younger.

I also do not show the deep dark humor and sarcasm that develops in the main character after he has given up on his dreams. It just quickly ends, as another reader said the life is sucked away. But the life doesnt get sucked away quickly, life more or less ends and is replaced by existence.

i will have to think on it more, if im to revise it again.

There is a scene i can add, the days after lisa rejects the letter, that hes walking around the track and sees some other boy, smaller, more finely featured, alone, weak, and someone replaces whoever lisa will end up with, as him.

And he walks up to him casually veering onto the grass, and as he gets close the boy looks at him and he quickly drives his fist into the middle of the other boys face with all the power he has in his arm, and since he is one of the 2 larger kids in the school, the other boy drops to the ground and he walks on like nothing happened.

Only later is he called to the principals office where he denies it all, and ends up getting a wooden paddle to the bare ass right there in the office with a secretary watching.