12-28-2012, 10:54 AM
Hello kamirakara. Like the rest I like the messege of the poem. But I think as a result trying to creat a rhyme rather than keep a rhythm, it makes it feel forced.
In other words, instead of trying to match the last words of the line, set yourself a count. ie. 1 and 2 and 3, and so on. and make each syllable a count, I think you may give yourself more freedom, and it won't feel so forced.
In other words, instead of trying to match the last words of the line, set yourself a count. ie. 1 and 2 and 3, and so on. and make each syllable a count, I think you may give yourself more freedom, and it won't feel so forced.
Quote:On a canvas I paint the world I see
I use all nuances to paint the diversity
I know every color has its own charm
But favoring we cause so much harm
I look at all the history, the facts, all that I know,
I strip myself of colors, I know they're faux
Nothing is left, but the reflection of light
I dip my hands into the opposite of white
Tears run down my cheek, with fists I rub my eyes
If we can't handle the beauty we must pay the prize
Colorblind, all paintings black, white and gray
a world with no pretty tricks for our minds to play
Maybe we then could live peacefully, day by day?