12-28-2012, 02:03 AM
I left it untitled because i would rather the reader decide what the focus is here, is it all on lisa, or is it on the speaker.
The *******, is a blotted out name, i could have left it as it was, but since it is a real persons name i was not sure it would have been appropriate in drawing attention to her that she does not want. Oftentimes in books you see a disclaimer about characters not being real people, or if they are real people the events are totally fictional, neither is the case here.
If you listen to "I could not speak" and "i could not even speak", the first one is as simple as saying "speechless" and the following line "transfixed" would make it out to be "speechless, i stood there"
The second version is better because it implies there is some reason, some powerful reason i could not speak. Saying "I could not even speak" means that not only can you not speak, you also cant perform other actions as well.
Then when i said "Eye see her", it is exactly "i see her", but it is also a play on words meaning that i see her with my eyes. The question you need to ask yourself is, "Do i see her with my heart?"
The few times i put lisa alone on a line signifies that the narrator is focused completely on the object of his affection, i did not feel the need to add witty lines before or after it that would make his love seem sappy. As far as stanzas, are you suggesting i break it up into paragraphs? If i did i could forgo the need to add commas for the reader to pause at when reading it.
At no time does the speaker actually talk to lisa, he tries to put down on paper how he feels, express what emotion he has for her on paper, but she would not even look at it or even take it and throw it away without reading it.
3 times i repeated the fact that i walked alone on the track at school, it is the only thing repeated arbitrarily, and it was done so and at points to drive home the fact that this person is very lonely. The first 2 times i said it was to open and close a scene of my normal school day.
The 3rd time i said i walked alone on the track it had a deeper meaning than simply walking alone out on a playground, at that point i had veered off the path of conformity and had no peers, i was truely alone and barring a miracle i would stay alone.
When i wrote it, i had no thought to the cadence it would be read in, i did break everything up and on handwritten paper each line is seperated by a blank line forcing you to pause as if every line is a thought, or that the whole thing is a series of disjointed thoughts stringing together to try to make sense of how this train wreck has come to be.
I had not intended to revise or edit it in any way, but i could add a comma at the end of any line i would like a reader to pause slightly when reading aloud or in their head.
The reason i posted this first poem in the serious critic forum was to totally open myself up for the harshest criticism, i would rather not begin in the new writers forum and be coddled in any way, so i dont feel i did something well or right when in fact its poor.
i did mention in another post as i introduced myself that i am a new writer, with no formal training experience or skill.
Yes i did read the rules and or suggestions about posting in others threads, and i intend to review some other poems, but i did want everyone to know before i did that i wouldnt put much stock in my words about their works.
Anyway, thanks for the remarks, and i understand you moved this to medium level to try to protect me... But does that mean overall you would rate the poem as mediocre?
If you moved it just to protect me, id rather have it back in the first forum i posted it in and risk getting blasted for ineptitude.
The *******, is a blotted out name, i could have left it as it was, but since it is a real persons name i was not sure it would have been appropriate in drawing attention to her that she does not want. Oftentimes in books you see a disclaimer about characters not being real people, or if they are real people the events are totally fictional, neither is the case here.
If you listen to "I could not speak" and "i could not even speak", the first one is as simple as saying "speechless" and the following line "transfixed" would make it out to be "speechless, i stood there"
The second version is better because it implies there is some reason, some powerful reason i could not speak. Saying "I could not even speak" means that not only can you not speak, you also cant perform other actions as well.
Then when i said "Eye see her", it is exactly "i see her", but it is also a play on words meaning that i see her with my eyes. The question you need to ask yourself is, "Do i see her with my heart?"
The few times i put lisa alone on a line signifies that the narrator is focused completely on the object of his affection, i did not feel the need to add witty lines before or after it that would make his love seem sappy. As far as stanzas, are you suggesting i break it up into paragraphs? If i did i could forgo the need to add commas for the reader to pause at when reading it.
At no time does the speaker actually talk to lisa, he tries to put down on paper how he feels, express what emotion he has for her on paper, but she would not even look at it or even take it and throw it away without reading it.
3 times i repeated the fact that i walked alone on the track at school, it is the only thing repeated arbitrarily, and it was done so and at points to drive home the fact that this person is very lonely. The first 2 times i said it was to open and close a scene of my normal school day.
The 3rd time i said i walked alone on the track it had a deeper meaning than simply walking alone out on a playground, at that point i had veered off the path of conformity and had no peers, i was truely alone and barring a miracle i would stay alone.
When i wrote it, i had no thought to the cadence it would be read in, i did break everything up and on handwritten paper each line is seperated by a blank line forcing you to pause as if every line is a thought, or that the whole thing is a series of disjointed thoughts stringing together to try to make sense of how this train wreck has come to be.
I had not intended to revise or edit it in any way, but i could add a comma at the end of any line i would like a reader to pause slightly when reading aloud or in their head.
The reason i posted this first poem in the serious critic forum was to totally open myself up for the harshest criticism, i would rather not begin in the new writers forum and be coddled in any way, so i dont feel i did something well or right when in fact its poor.
i did mention in another post as i introduced myself that i am a new writer, with no formal training experience or skill.
Yes i did read the rules and or suggestions about posting in others threads, and i intend to review some other poems, but i did want everyone to know before i did that i wouldnt put much stock in my words about their works.
Anyway, thanks for the remarks, and i understand you moved this to medium level to try to protect me... But does that mean overall you would rate the poem as mediocre?
If you moved it just to protect me, id rather have it back in the first forum i posted it in and risk getting blasted for ineptitude.