hi smakpopy, i moved the poem to mild so you can get an idea of how the feedback thing works. in the other forum it can be very heavy and often comes as a shock.
it looks like the poem is titled Lisa. always try and give the poem a title
there are a few grammar probs, and some lines need syntax. (to be laid out in a readable way) there are lots of good lines in the poem and i found it to be very sad. the poem had a deep feeling of aloneness and need running through it. you already tried to make it tight, (of few words) watch out for anything that doesn't add something, such as even in the 3rd line, it isn't needed. finally, you use her name a lot in the poem, make the times you use the name a new stanza (non-rhymed verse) thanks for the read.
it looks like the poem is titled Lisa. always try and give the poem a title
there are a few grammar probs, and some lines need syntax. (to be laid out in a readable way) there are lots of good lines in the poem and i found it to be very sad. the poem had a deep feeling of aloneness and need running through it. you already tried to make it tight, (of few words) watch out for anything that doesn't add something, such as even in the 3rd line, it isn't needed. finally, you use her name a lot in the poem, make the times you use the name a new stanza (non-rhymed verse) thanks for the read.
(12-27-2012, 02:51 PM)smakpopy Wrote: Lisa i'd make this line the title, no need for the ***** on the next line.
her name was Lisa *******.
I could not even speak
Transfixed
Eye see her did you mean eyes see her or I see her?
Soak in every detail
She knows
They talk, they whisper
She smiles and plays
with the girls
I walk in the track
alone
I see down
The ground before me
Silence
NO Evil Names
they
the boys play games
tricks on eachother
Different
tall
Quiet
Well mannered
teachers pet
I care not
i walk on the track
Alone
I see down
the ground before me
the bell Rings
Class
Lisa
Sitting near
the same room
Girls
Shapes
Close my eyes
Wonder
Whats down there?
I am a man
They are women
young still
Treated like pets
NO
NO
NO
you cannot
you must not
we will not allow
Morals
church
I was a child
teachings of god
Impossible Things
Dream
Love
Garden of Eden
Gone
is it?
Why
Why cant i have lisa
Lisa have me
Note
My soul on paper
What did i write
forgotten
Sealed love letter
ON the bus Home
Offer
take
No
Drop on lap
Runs
snatch up
Run Home
Walk?
Cry
All night
God?
Somehow
If I just wait
End up happily Married
Nothing
I care not
God is Good, and just
I know I am Good
Reward?
Next life?
No
In heaven?
Surely I wait
Cry hard
Lost
I walk on the track
alone
I see down
The ground before me
Silence
Respect
See other girls
Say
Do
Nothing
I wait
Lisa
Only one
Soul mate?
Losing
time
youth
money
physically
Not the man I was
So much potential
Lost
Prison
Mind
Diversion
What do I Want
Now
Money
Worthless
things?
Small
House
cabin?
Wait
Die