Lisa

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Hello smakpopy. I had a read through this a few times. I enjoyed it. The reason being, it's like reading a story, but the format allows the reader to fill in the blanks. I have no real crits to give. A few bits I really enjoyed pointed out below

Lisa
her name was Lisa *******.
I could not even speak
Transfixed
Eye see her
Soak in every detail
She knows
They talk, they whisper
She smiles and plays
with the girls
I walk in the track
alone
I see down
The ground before me
Silence
NO Evil Names
they
the boys play gamesI really like the next few lines. It sets the picture of a group of people with extrem effortlessness. I find my self drawn into their world and thinking about what they may have been doing, or who they are, good job.
tricks on eachother
Different
tall
Quiet
Well mannered
teachers pet
I care not
i walk on the track
Alone
I see down
the ground before me
the bell Rings
Class
Lisa I love this next long part down to the letter, I think I'm reading it right. Is there some kind of reaction here could be just me reading it wrong
Sitting near
the same room
Girls
Shapes
Close my eyes
Wonder
Whats down there?
I am a man
They are women
young still
Treated like pets
NO
NO
NO
you cannot
you must not
we will not allow
Morals
church
I was a child
teachings of god
Impossible Things
Dream
Love
Garden of Eden
Gone
is it?
Why
Why cant i have lisa
Lisa have me
Note
My soul on paper
What did i write
forgotten
Sealed love letter
ON the bus Home
Offer
take
No
Drop on lap
Runs
snatch up
Run Home
Walk?
Cry
All night
God?
Somehow
If I just wait
End up happily Married
Nothing
I care not
God is Good, and just
I know I am Good
Reward?
Next life?
No
In heaven?
Surely I wait
Cry hard
Lost
I walk on the track
alone
I see down
The ground before me
Silence
Respect
See other girls
Say
Do
Nothing
I wait
Lisa
Only one
Soul mate?
Losing
time
youth
money
physically
Not the man I was
So much potential from here to the end I really like the feel that the person has settled and some what given up on his dreams. I like how it read quite fast and give the feel that after a point the life was just sucked away. All in all great job
Lost
Prison
Mind
Diversion
What do I Want
Now
Money
Worthless
things?
Small
House
cabin?
Wait
Die