Midnight Sun

[billy]

First off i'd like to address some remarks left on your poem and this is on topic so i'm hoping the mods will let it stand;

I find much of the preceding feedback to be too advanced for someone just starting out and writing in a foreign language.

in the serious critique forum the poem stands and falls by itself, nationality, experience, nor sex plays any part in how the given critique is tempered. of course an individual may see fit to give a little leeway, any more than that defeats the object of this forum.

For the record, the concept of cliché is the biggest cliché on this website .

when you as the poet (Cosminescu) see remarks such as this, you should google what a cliche is and before deciding to use any feedback given. another point to remember is this; when 4 or 5 people tell you something doesn't work, and one person tells you it's fine, one of them is wrong

As a beginner, I think it's good to start with a simple subject which is common and cliché.

would you trust someone who told you to crash the car when you were taking driving lessons, or would you trust the person who wanted to teach you how to avoid accidents in the first place?

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hi Cosminescu great to see you posting your poetry, it can't be easy when english is your second language. please see the above writing, we do have a novice and mild crit forum where the feedback isn't so in depth

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!

Midnight Sun

It's dark, It's cold, forever more
I'm sitting here, looking at the door
I wonder when, I wonder how
My heart in sorrow as I sit right now. cliche, try and make it original. is the 3rd line needed? is 'forever more' needed?

Memories glance upon my eyes
Tormenting my soul with many lies
They trick me with their sweet disguise
My mind is taken, in despair it lies. this stanza is very wordy, try and give the reader an image or two. (memories waltz inside my eyes)

The days pass, nights as well
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine. the 1st three lines are very cliche, the 4th is cliche and the syntax is slightly off, (so on my soul the sun would shine)

It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt. again, you carry the verse on the back of cliche which ultimately weakens it.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away
I kneel and close my eyes to pray
That your smile will find its way
And turn this gruesome darkness into day.

As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound
In despair my mind is drowned
I close my eyes and turn around.

I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.

i've stopped with my feedback in the body of the poem, because the critique is much of a sameness. in general the wording is very weak. there are lots of intangible worlds like pain, love, despair, and more. there are lots or excess words which i think are down to the language being your second, but a large problem non the less. the biggest problem are the clichés. the poem has an abundance of them. i'd suggest editing the poem 1 or 2 verse at a time and try to make it original. by all means listen to those who tell you it's okay to start out writing cliche, if all you want to do it write clichéd poetry, on the other hand if you do wish to improve, you need to address the cliche problem that the poem and i suspect the poetry in general has.

i'd also suggest posting in a novice for a while where the feedback is a lot less daunting

thanks for the read.