12-27-2012, 12:07 AM
Hi welcome to the site.
As a first poem this is a really good efort.
I also picked up on the weary / wary thing in the first line and took it to be the latter and so just a spell check error.
Line 7 could do with a tweek as it feels a bit clumsey and I also wondered if the line:- To forfeit one's soul... needed "To" as I like the read when i ommited this, but this is just my thoughts so as with all critique offered it is just an opinion and please stick to your own creative preferances as desired.
I enjoyed this poem and i liked the title and thought that it was well made given the direction that the poem takes.
Thanks for sharing this.
As a first poem this is a really good efort.
I also picked up on the weary / wary thing in the first line and took it to be the latter and so just a spell check error.
Line 7 could do with a tweek as it feels a bit clumsey and I also wondered if the line:- To forfeit one's soul... needed "To" as I like the read when i ommited this, but this is just my thoughts so as with all critique offered it is just an opinion and please stick to your own creative preferances as desired.
I enjoyed this poem and i liked the title and thought that it was well made given the direction that the poem takes.
Thanks for sharing this.