12-26-2012, 11:21 AM
Unique approach to love and the pain that sometimes comes along with it.
"leaving you alone on your deathbed" I don't think it's needed, it's pretty much repeated in the last line.
"For loves beheld does not always feel" I get what that means, but it just doesn't seem right.
You don't need the comma in the first line and 5th line and I think some of the commas can be replaced with periods.
"For it can only fail your certitude" is a strong line, like whiplash...very effective.
The tone seems like a bitter rant while the end is an over exaggeration, I don't know if that was your intent, but it works well with the meaning.
I enjoyed reading this very much. Direct without leaving nothing behind...very good!
"leaving you alone on your deathbed" I don't think it's needed, it's pretty much repeated in the last line.
"For loves beheld does not always feel" I get what that means, but it just doesn't seem right.
You don't need the comma in the first line and 5th line and I think some of the commas can be replaced with periods.
"For it can only fail your certitude" is a strong line, like whiplash...very effective.
The tone seems like a bitter rant while the end is an over exaggeration, I don't know if that was your intent, but it works well with the meaning.
I enjoyed reading this very much. Direct without leaving nothing behind...very good!