Midnight Sun

[rowens]

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!

Midnight Sun

It's dark, It's cold, forever more
I'm sitting here, looking at the door
I wonder when, I wonder how
My heart in sorrow as I sit right now.

Memories glance upon my eyes
Tormenting my soul with many lies
They trick me with their sweet disguise
My mind is taken, in despair it lies.

The days pass, nights as well
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine.

It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away
I kneel and close my eyes to pray
That your smile will find its way
And turn this gruesome darkness into day.

As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound
In despair my mind is drowned
I close my eyes and turn around.

I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.

It just seems thin, you know? The rhymes are the most important things going on here, the power of the emotion and the description is lost in the need to fit the line to the rhyme.

So it seems a bit too easy. When you want to give expression to powerful emotions, you want them to come through, and for the rhymes to feel meant for each other, rather than just seeming forced and arbitrary.

It could be a better poem, if you went over it a few more times. Try to make it run smoothly, and feel warm and honest, instead of mechanical as it seems now.

You have the framework for a good poem, just type up a few more drafts. Give the lines some space to breathe, and room for more of your own original thoughts and ideas.