This Winter

[Uncle Vertical]

This winter is a moving cloudnot a neat avoidance of a metaphor. Conceptually, you have immediately closed off your options.
On the gray palette before me.again, you limit yourself to shades of grey and whilst this may be your view, it makes for dull imagery. You will now have to justify the analogy in degrees if greyness....diffucuult to pull off
The leaning fog reaches upwarda nice thought, the leaning fog.....and you have just got away with it I believe.
To meet a lowering shroud.from this point in your pallette paints no new layers. All is just a wash. I think you should insert a little light relief in here.....literally
The days, hidden and diffuse.
The nights, curtained and lifeless.
Nothing distinct, nothing of detail,
Not a break, a star, or an edge to see, I am purposeless enjambment. Combined with random capitalisation you loose a flow which this piece desperately needs
Here in the cleft of this rock.
Alone on my watch, in my hour.
Waiting for something eternal.I hope you have a flask of coco and a pork pie

This has been edited 2 times while in the Novice section. Please feel free to say what you feel about the poem. Thanks.

I feel that you are trying to capture a mood which you have not fully developed in your mind. The ending is a relief to you and the reader. Perhaps if you were to list out your key points then attempt to integrate them in to a whole you would make a better job of it. The difficulty in avoiding cliches is always made worse if you start with a cliched subject. Please don't think that there is malice in my posting of my 2009 "This Winter". It happens with cliches!
Best,
tectak[/b]

I can see by moving this thing to Serious Critique I opened myself up to some harsh reality. Your poem from 2009 is a pleasure to read and shows me that I have a long way to travel if I want to become the poet that I thought I might be. Thanks for taking the time to knock me off my perch. I'll stop now before I lapse into a string of cliches. I'm sure you will be relieved.