12-24-2012, 05:27 PM
I enjoyed the feel of this poem. A few comments to make:
L1&2 - Is "this" Winter significant? Could you say, 'Winter, a moving cloud on a grey pallette"? all other words could be deemed superfluous.
L3&4 - you refer to 'fog' (an actuality) and a 'shroud' (a symbol) meeting - does this work in the poem or might it be more consistent to regularise the forms? We also have to deal with an image of fog 'leaning' (difficult enough) while reaching upward!
L5&6 - The days you tell us are 'hidden and diffuse'. This is also a difficult pair of images, something is hidden it can't be seen, if it can't be seen how do we know it's diffuse? (by which I presume to mean widely spread out) I find this description of days to be weak compared to that of the night which is poetically convincing if a little disappointing. (The 'lifeless' and 'nothing' bits). The last 4 lines I guess are meant to leave us questioning but I think the reader should be given more to wonder about. If the cleft of rock is real and not metaphorical we need to be guided to that understanding, similarly 'my watch' could do with some clarification so that the denouement leaves us with more meat to chew on.
Notwithstanding the above I did enjoy the read.
L1&2 - Is "this" Winter significant? Could you say, 'Winter, a moving cloud on a grey pallette"? all other words could be deemed superfluous.
L3&4 - you refer to 'fog' (an actuality) and a 'shroud' (a symbol) meeting - does this work in the poem or might it be more consistent to regularise the forms? We also have to deal with an image of fog 'leaning' (difficult enough) while reaching upward!
L5&6 - The days you tell us are 'hidden and diffuse'. This is also a difficult pair of images, something is hidden it can't be seen, if it can't be seen how do we know it's diffuse? (by which I presume to mean widely spread out) I find this description of days to be weak compared to that of the night which is poetically convincing if a little disappointing. (The 'lifeless' and 'nothing' bits). The last 4 lines I guess are meant to leave us questioning but I think the reader should be given more to wonder about. If the cleft of rock is real and not metaphorical we need to be guided to that understanding, similarly 'my watch' could do with some clarification so that the denouement leaves us with more meat to chew on.
Notwithstanding the above I did enjoy the read.