12-22-2012, 09:15 AM
a very sweet and sad poem. the problem i have with it as a reader is, it feels too wordy.
we together....is we, we chose....
you told me once...is you, you told me one glor....
and even.... is and quieter...
floating forever in an endless...is floating, floating in and endless embr...
remove words that say the same thing make what you write count.
there are a lot more. the poem will still read pretty and sad but will be more to the point. words like and and like and but and may and once and those and that etc, are the usual culprits.
good effort.
we together....is we, we chose....
you told me once...is you, you told me one glor....
and even.... is and quieter...
floating forever in an endless...is floating, floating in and endless embr...
remove words that say the same thing make what you write count.
there are a lot more. the poem will still read pretty and sad but will be more to the point. words like and and like and but and may and once and those and that etc, are the usual culprits.
good effort.