12-21-2012, 08:26 PM
You certainly dealt with difficulties in the edit addressing issues such as superfluous words and rhyme pattern. Perhaps you could turn your attention to rhythm now, make sure the reader is drawn/encouraged into reading the poem as you would like him to (you can never 'force' that but you can 'lead'). You can convey your sadness effectively with careful punctuation, line length and syllable count etc. This piece has gone a long way in a short space .