12-21-2012, 08:00 AM
i have to say, and i do so with a heavy heart 
this is not your finest hour.
i think i'd expect this type or , or should i say a poem written this way, from a novice poet or someone new to poetry. it actually feels a bit like a mockery. that's the main reason it fails for me, it's a bit like davinci doing the artwork for dilbert. though da vinci none of us are. it's lacks image and is heavy with an almost fatuous repetition of some words. i've yet to see a well done poem about specific acts of violence. i don't think they can compare to the actuality of it. war on the other hand as bloody as it gets is often told well in a poem because it's impersonal. while it's not rubbish, your narrative is very weak.
thanks for the read as always.
this is not your finest hour. i think i'd expect this type or , or should i say a poem written this way, from a novice poet or someone new to poetry. it actually feels a bit like a mockery. that's the main reason it fails for me, it's a bit like davinci doing the artwork for dilbert. though da vinci none of us are. it's lacks image and is heavy with an almost fatuous repetition of some words. i've yet to see a well done poem about specific acts of violence. i don't think they can compare to the actuality of it. war on the other hand as bloody as it gets is often told well in a poem because it's impersonal. while it's not rubbish, your narrative is very weak.
thanks for the read as always.