12-21-2012, 06:11 AM
Thanks to everyone for their comments.
Todd, I was thinking of putting it in the other critique forum because I guess I feel like I got off too easy.
But if it works, it works.
Billy, thanks for your help with the indents and for your feedback. When you mentioned an aside after each stanza, would it look something like this below? Not sure of those lines yet and not sure how I feel about the change in flow. But I'm always open to ideas and love mulling over words for a while. That's why it takes me some time get back to the thread. Poems tend to need some stewing for me.
And maybe that's why I'm considering posting this in the other critique forum - so I don't have to stop being with it yet. Hmm...
And I was thinking if I don't use that last aside I might call this one Temple - or at least put that word somewhere in the title. Would love everyone's thoughts as always.
TENTATIVE EDIT 12.20.12
Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.
Yeah, THE God
[ind]Not circumnavigating morality
[ind]Or bones of old saints
[ind]Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
[ind]All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison
Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –
[ind]Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin
[ind]Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen
Our bed is a shrine without idols –
[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain
Our bed is my temple –
[ind]With your gentle pyro ways
[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]The balustrades collapse
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips
Todd, I was thinking of putting it in the other critique forum because I guess I feel like I got off too easy.
But if it works, it works. Billy, thanks for your help with the indents and for your feedback. When you mentioned an aside after each stanza, would it look something like this below? Not sure of those lines yet and not sure how I feel about the change in flow. But I'm always open to ideas and love mulling over words for a while. That's why it takes me some time get back to the thread. Poems tend to need some stewing for me.
And maybe that's why I'm considering posting this in the other critique forum - so I don't have to stop being with it yet. Hmm... And I was thinking if I don't use that last aside I might call this one Temple - or at least put that word somewhere in the title. Would love everyone's thoughts as always.
TENTATIVE EDIT 12.20.12
Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.
Yeah, THE God
[ind]Not circumnavigating morality
[ind]Or bones of old saints
[ind]Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
[ind]All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison
Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –
[ind]Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin
[ind]Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen
Our bed is a shrine without idols –
[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain
Our bed is my temple –
[ind]With your gentle pyro ways
[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]The balustrades collapse
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips