12-20-2012, 08:06 PM
I'd tweak the punctuation. Take the line:
Mistletoe?, not for me
By adding the question-mark, you're already forcing the reader to pause, so the comma isn't needed. Also, if you're using it in some places to try to regulate the meter, why not use it in more places? I'd suggest either use no punctuation or more.
I liked the alliteration of 'Heavy Heart' and the son/sun line, but that goes against what you changed, so feel free to ignore me.
-Hurst.
Mistletoe?, not for me
By adding the question-mark, you're already forcing the reader to pause, so the comma isn't needed. Also, if you're using it in some places to try to regulate the meter, why not use it in more places? I'd suggest either use no punctuation or more.
I liked the alliteration of 'Heavy Heart' and the son/sun line, but that goes against what you changed, so feel free to ignore me.
-Hurst.