12-17-2012, 09:37 PM
Hi, hey a couple quick comments:
Probably no title for a riddle, unless the title is "A Riddle". Riddles work with more simple language. The lines probably should be a bit shorter. People want to read a quicker line and place one piece of the puzzle in their mind and move through it step by step:
Collected by thousands over long distances,--so this line size would probably work. It's one point per line for a riddle I'm thinking
treasured and cherished by all,--by all makes this line suspect. Air for breathing is treasured and cherished by all beyond that this makes it seem to universal. I'd probably cut this phrase
drooled on and slave to thousands more.--Starting the line with slave may make the riddle have more parallel structure
Fit for royalty, becoming chameleon through the seasons.--these two phrases don't seem connected and probably shouldn't share a line
forced to transform in a prison cell, held under protection yet trampled upon.--not sure about this line at all
Healer of wounds but triggering a fishhook of pain,--simple language when possible could you substitute with for but triggering a?
exposed to hives while lingering in the dark and the deep,--hives is a bit of a dead giveaway if you could make it seem like hives on the body without actually saying that's what it is...so that when the reader looks back they think oh, I thought he meant the other hives...misdirection
fear the ghost with the steel face that hides in light; dread the horror Borborygmus.--again probably trying to do to much with this on one line
Subjected to the power of the black hole, emancipation merely exchanges one cage for another,--not sure what this line adds...I still think you're trying to do to much, and that it's too complicated for an effective riddle
left imprisoned behind distorted sand, only to be sold into slavery again.
This could develop into something nice. I'd again stress simple words and short lines. Make it more mysterious.
Hope that helps some.
Best,
Todd
Oh, try leaving some feedback in other people's threads. What you liked, what you didn't like, and why. It keeps a workshop strong.
Probably no title for a riddle, unless the title is "A Riddle". Riddles work with more simple language. The lines probably should be a bit shorter. People want to read a quicker line and place one piece of the puzzle in their mind and move through it step by step:
Collected by thousands over long distances,--so this line size would probably work. It's one point per line for a riddle I'm thinking
treasured and cherished by all,--by all makes this line suspect. Air for breathing is treasured and cherished by all beyond that this makes it seem to universal. I'd probably cut this phrase
drooled on and slave to thousands more.--Starting the line with slave may make the riddle have more parallel structure
Fit for royalty, becoming chameleon through the seasons.--these two phrases don't seem connected and probably shouldn't share a line
forced to transform in a prison cell, held under protection yet trampled upon.--not sure about this line at all
Healer of wounds but triggering a fishhook of pain,--simple language when possible could you substitute with for but triggering a?
exposed to hives while lingering in the dark and the deep,--hives is a bit of a dead giveaway if you could make it seem like hives on the body without actually saying that's what it is...so that when the reader looks back they think oh, I thought he meant the other hives...misdirection
fear the ghost with the steel face that hides in light; dread the horror Borborygmus.--again probably trying to do to much with this on one line
Subjected to the power of the black hole, emancipation merely exchanges one cage for another,--not sure what this line adds...I still think you're trying to do to much, and that it's too complicated for an effective riddle
left imprisoned behind distorted sand, only to be sold into slavery again.
This could develop into something nice. I'd again stress simple words and short lines. Make it more mysterious.
Hope that helps some.
Best,
Todd
Oh, try leaving some feedback in other people's threads. What you liked, what you didn't like, and why. It keeps a workshop strong.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson