12-17-2012, 05:30 PM
it feels like a very sad sweet poem.
but we're a workshop and i have to give feedback that's honest and hopefully helpful.
the best way i think is to give an example so here goes, i'm not telling you to re write or doing a rewrite, just trying to open up possibilities for you;
Oh, darkest nights, the sighs of folly
Icy raindrops on the windowpane
Oh, darkest nights with sighs of folly
iced raindrops crowd the windowpane
try and make the rest smooth when read aloud. you have some awkward places where the reading gets jerky. i'll leave it at that for now.
good to see you posting
but we're a workshop and i have to give feedback that's honest and hopefully helpful.
the best way i think is to give an example so here goes, i'm not telling you to re write or doing a rewrite, just trying to open up possibilities for you;
Oh, darkest nights, the sighs of folly
Icy raindrops on the windowpane
Oh, darkest nights with sighs of folly
iced raindrops crowd the windowpane
try and make the rest smooth when read aloud. you have some awkward places where the reading gets jerky. i'll leave it at that for now.
good to see you posting