a bottle of wine later

[Todd]

Hi Lazhar, welcome to the site!

A couple comments for you. Your title already does some work so you can scale back the repetitions a bit maybe simply "a couple of glasses", "another bottle" things like that. Maybe on the last repetition something more specific, "the bottle of Pinot I'd saved for us."

While you've got the sense of edgy waiting down, what I'd like is more sensory details that tie us closer to the emotion behind the edginess. Right now the woman is a construct, I'd like more than surface details to bring her to life so that we care that she's not there. The core of the poem is still the narrator is self defeating. His actions keep her away. If you have to tell me damn it hurts and I have to fill in why it might hurt the poem isn't doing enough work in my opinion.

One line: she won't get ready to go out at mine

Does this mean. She won't get ready at my place so that we can go out? I may be missing your meaning but the phrasing seems awkward in context.

I like the idea of the poem. I like the terse delivery. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

the phone doesn't ring
her car isn't parked outside
her voice doesn't sing
she won’t get ready to go out at mine

a couple of glasses of wine later

her perfume is still not present
she is still not around
no footsteps heard
damn it hurts

a bottle of wine later

I give up
I know she won’t come
I know she won’t call
I know she won’t get ready at mine

another bottle of wine later

I wonder why
why doesn't she want me to get her tea ready one last time
why doesn't she want me back
why doesn't she want to make it work
why doesn't she try again

a last bottle of wine

and I feel sick
I rush to the toilets
I piss a river of wine
I look at myself in the mirror
and I finally understand why…