12-16-2012, 06:19 PM
Hi jae,
I've lost track of which edit is which...but this is the one I like best.
I have been following all the posts and for me I kind of don't agree with the suggestions about taking out all of the wordy ness. For me the slightly longer form echoes the way that the frost creeps in from the mid afternoon as the light begins to fade and then in the dark watches of the night really tightens the grip so that by morning everything is dead or at least feeling proper poorly! I feel that this version below captures that slightly dark and sinister aspect.
(Also it's has a sort of nightie trotting aspect to it for me...what is it with all these dismal bints, that exactly when it is darkest and the storm is at it's height they all set off into the unknown only dressed in their nighties!).
Although having said I like some of the wordiness I do agree with Todd about the last line and def think it should be kept out of the title as well.
Have really enjoyed your read and following the edits and comments. Great stuff thanks for sharing. AJ
(I like using the smiles as well
)
The onset of winter
Her beauty, pale against the cold dead grey
His bitter expanse surrounded her
Setting hope in silhouette
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spit as he spoke
With frost bitten hands he gripped at her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die
Slender, her beauty stood poised
Her hope seemed viscous
His grip tightened
Just seconds now
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower
I've lost track of which edit is which...but this is the one I like best.
I have been following all the posts and for me I kind of don't agree with the suggestions about taking out all of the wordy ness. For me the slightly longer form echoes the way that the frost creeps in from the mid afternoon as the light begins to fade and then in the dark watches of the night really tightens the grip so that by morning everything is dead or at least feeling proper poorly! I feel that this version below captures that slightly dark and sinister aspect.
(Also it's has a sort of nightie trotting aspect to it for me...what is it with all these dismal bints, that exactly when it is darkest and the storm is at it's height they all set off into the unknown only dressed in their nighties!).
Although having said I like some of the wordiness I do agree with Todd about the last line and def think it should be kept out of the title as well.
Have really enjoyed your read and following the edits and comments. Great stuff thanks for sharing. AJ
(I like using the smiles as well
)The onset of winter
Her beauty, pale against the cold dead grey
His bitter expanse surrounded her
Setting hope in silhouette
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spit as he spoke
With frost bitten hands he gripped at her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die
Slender, her beauty stood poised
Her hope seemed viscous
His grip tightened
Just seconds now
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower