a bottle of wine later

[billy]

hi Lazhar.
you start off okay in the 1st stanza, the 2nd stanza is also pretty solid but then you start to feel a little too wordy.

the phone doesn't ring
her car isn't parked outside
her voice doesn't sing
she won’t get ready to go out at mine

a couple of glasses of wine later is later needed, would it look better italicised?

her perfume is still not present
she is still not around
no footsteps heard
damn it hurts do you need 'hurts' the anger of damn it, shows us it hurts already

a bottle of wine later same comment as before

I give up
I know she won’t come
I know she won’t call
I know she won’t get ready at mine

another bottle of wine later same as above

I wonder why
why doesn't she want me to get her tea ready one last time
why doesn't she want me back
why doesn't she want to make it work are the three middle 'why's' needed?
why doesn't she try again

a last bottle of wine is 'of wine' needed?

and I feel sick
I rush to the toilets would toilet work better?
I piss a river of wine is 'of wine' needed? is 'I' needed?
I look at myself in the mirror is 'I' needed?
and I finally understand why…

mainly it just needs a little bit of excess removing. the poem itself works well. you have some original lines that work well. i'd have likes to have seen a few more poetic devices, an odd metaphor or simile.

thanks for the read.