12-15-2012, 01:47 PM
wow jess,
big difference. still needs work but you're right, it's a different poem and it reads much better. i'd suggest putting singular lines in italics. i think you could cut out some small words Cuz being one of them, (there are more) removing them would make it even better. so far the edit you did is excellent. don't forget to give it a title.
don't forget to ask for help if you want it or if you're not sure of anything. 
big difference. still needs work but you're right, it's a different poem and it reads much better. i'd suggest putting singular lines in italics. i think you could cut out some small words Cuz being one of them, (there are more) removing them would make it even better. so far the edit you did is excellent. don't forget to give it a title.
don't forget to ask for help if you want it or if you're not sure of anything. (12-15-2012, 10:09 AM)jess527 Wrote: Ok so I completely rewrote it and it's not really even the same poem anymore but this is what I have now:
I can’t cope with nothingness
So I take another shot
now my thoughts are in disarray
Finally it’s come down to this
I wanna go far today
Another shot
Success- I’m on the floor
And I don’t care what they say
Cuz I can’t pretend anymore
That there’s anything else I can do
Now that I realize
You’re a hopeless dream to pursue.
Dark clouds are coming now
So I’ll let these words drown
In the deafening rain
Because I know
They won't understand my pain
So they can’t tell anyone
That you were my sun
And I can’t explain
The things that I’ve done.