Temple

[Todd]

Hi, no I wasn't hinting I like the whole thing, and I like the cuts you've made so far. Let me look at the second half.

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hmmm second half...here goes, let me just show you what kind of cuts I'm thinking of using the strike through feature. Its okay to disagree of course. Same song different verse (cutting to reveal the great lines).

Sweet and spicy incense permeates and penetrates--when I see these types of ___and___ constructions I think settle on the better word...for me that would be spicy and penetrates
Nostril and pore; through to my soul’s sore core
As you throw open the doors to the temple
Like you own the place

Because you do
Because it was given to you
A birthright
A come-as-you-are boon

Taking time at the shrine
Lost in wordless prayer
Surrendered to devotion
You light candlewicks with your fingertips--one of those great lines. What a wonderful tactile image

Stone and mortar become flame
Until the walls come tumbling--too Joshua and the battle of Jericho to me
(Brick by fucked up brick)
Down to the not-so-solid ground--it's not that I hate these last two lines, I don't. They just feel largely unnecessary.
With your gentle pyro ways


Now one real possible change is ending on something stronger. This works, though I may suggest this swap:

Lost in wordless prayer
With your gentle pyro ways

Stone and mortar become flame
You light candlewicks with your fingertips


again just thoughts.