Temple

[Todd]

Hi monablackbird, welcome to the site!

Okay, I enjoyed this read. As to a title, really simple one came to mind with your Fat Tuesday and other catholic imagery...how about "Indulgences"...it would be cool because it would work with the Middle Ages drawing near to God idea and the sensual idea of the poem.

Hello everyone!

After many years I was suddenly inspired to write poetry again. I don't claim to be trained in any way, though I'm familiar with critique and would appreciate any feedback available. I'm most interested in how the imagery is interpreted and if it evokes emotion. Thanks so much in advance and I'm looking forward to getting to know the community here.

I'm still unsure what to title this piece so I'd love any ideas on that as well.

Also, when previewing, my indents disappear. Is there a way to keep them that I might be missing? --I know there's a way to do it. I know Billy knows how to do it. It's probably similar to how I'm bolding this try putting the word indent in brackets and then on the other side putting /indent in brackets. If it works you may have to do it multiple times to get it where you need it. That could be wrong though and Billy again knows how to do it.


Untitled - 12.14.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.--great opening line. I also like the colloquial tone and the metaphor.

Yeah, THE God

Not circumnavigating morality,
Not bones of old saints,--not sure you need the repeated nots in the next two lines maybe an or here and start with lonely on the next. The content is all good. It's your bones of old saints part that made me think of indulgences as a title.
Not lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged

All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison
To the unabashed reality of my existence--I actually don't think you need this line. I loved All Fat Tuesday freakshows.

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

Lost and defiled
Labeled and marked
With the devil’s big black Sharpie
And the intricately crocheted lace of sin--I think you've got a lot of great lines next to set up lines. I wonder if this would be stronger if you pared it down to only the great lines. Example maybe lead line three with "Marked" and cut the two previous lines. I love intricately crocheted lace of sin. You could also look for other religious terms that might even be more interesting than sin "legalism" for instance. That may not be better...just thinking out loud

Nightly baptized in sugary sweat
Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen--beautiful phrasing
Life and death punch each other in the gut--again this is fine, but to what I said earlier it is to quote an old gameshow the weakest link in this strophe in my opinion
Cancelling out into warm, honey-coated nothing--honey coated nothing is excellent

Absolution pours through drafty windows
Older than our bodies
Glass frosted by years without suds
Only rain

--gorgeous strophe. I know you asked for comments on the imagery. It's good I'm tracking. I'm already leaving a lot of comments for mild so I'm going to go easy

And satisfaction

FINALLY

Sweet and spicy incense permeates and penetrates
Nostril and pore; through to my soul’s sore core
As you throw open the doors to the temple
Like you own the place

Because you do
Because it was given to you
A birthright
A come-as-you-are boon

Taking time at the shrine
Lost in wordless prayer
Surrendered to devotion
You light candlewicks with your fingertips

Stone and mortar become flame
Until the walls come tumbling
(Brick by fucked up brick)
Down to the not-so-solid ground
With your gentle pyro ways

I'm going to hold off in this forum from going any further. This was a good read. My main advice remains cut out the serviceable lines and see if the great will get it done for you. Obviously there has to be some transitional material, I just think less would be much more for this one.

Great seeing your work.

Best,

Todd