12-14-2012, 01:21 PM
(12-13-2012, 10:17 AM)benthejack Wrote: It's like taking a piss,This is a funny and kind of gritty poem about writing, like some of Charles Bukowski's. I like the toilet humour, which is conveyed elegantly, and sardonic wit. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
blocked [ind] up [ind] pushing.
Let it all go.
Pinch one out,
like wild geese's farting noises, When a plural noun uses an apostrophe it comes after the "s", so it should be "geeses'".
or just bob there pathetically
like
a quail's funny knob.
Congealing from mind's vacancy, Is this line needed? It feels too wordy and tacked on.
a smeary glob
changing clarity.
Stop pushing, PUSH HARDER DAMNIT
No need, Just cry your whiny heartbreak tears "just" Also, is the comma needed? You could draw the same effect by splitting this line in two after "need". Just a suggestion.
and be done with it
pansy boy
they're all the same.
Damnit I just
[ind] squeezed one out again.
Not particularly surreal in the end, but the cues were taken from:
Lianne's Writing from the heart thread
the ---'s in this poem would have been extra spaces but the forum strips extra spaces
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe