12-13-2012, 08:35 AM
Hi Todd,
I like the rhythm of the "of" in the first two strophes, but it goes away. A thought on adding it? You might consider one before "mocking." Another thought is with regards to the "a fearful knowing/ bodies reduced to meat": as bodies are meat, is it recognition of that? The implication feels as if it's looking around a corner, acknowledging, but not tapping into the full why of what that horror means to the narrator. It seems important as it connects up with your first line (maybe?)
The revision is quite cleaner... maybe try it without any punctuation. Take a look, try it on.
Nice to read you.
I like the rhythm of the "of" in the first two strophes, but it goes away. A thought on adding it? You might consider one before "mocking." Another thought is with regards to the "a fearful knowing/ bodies reduced to meat": as bodies are meat, is it recognition of that? The implication feels as if it's looking around a corner, acknowledging, but not tapping into the full why of what that horror means to the narrator. It seems important as it connects up with your first line (maybe?)
The revision is quite cleaner... maybe try it without any punctuation. Take a look, try it on.
Nice to read you.