12-11-2012, 04:25 PM
Hi,
I semi disagree with Billy in that I sort of got the link ....Route 66 seen from space would, if the trajectory was continued, make a elliptical orbit shape...like a comet?. (This was the image that came to me. Hubby has always wanted to ride this on a bike so he would like the image of a blaze across the continent).
I then agree with Billy's other comments I’m afraid. The mid section needs some work.
It truly seemed
Like Brahman’s
Ether I was in,
It truly seemed
Like Brahman’s steam!
My thoughts were that the repetition felt unnecessary and perhaps it could be covered in just one line by combining the steam onto the same line as ether. (and would tighten up the rhyme with seemed).
Your poem is well worth some extra work and thought as I liked the subject idea. The last line image of the sunrise blinding you on the f
ar horizon of the road was great.
I semi disagree with Billy in that I sort of got the link ....Route 66 seen from space would, if the trajectory was continued, make a elliptical orbit shape...like a comet?. (This was the image that came to me. Hubby has always wanted to ride this on a bike so he would like the image of a blaze across the continent).
I then agree with Billy's other comments I’m afraid. The mid section needs some work.
It truly seemed
Like Brahman’s
Ether I was in,
It truly seemed
Like Brahman’s steam!
My thoughts were that the repetition felt unnecessary and perhaps it could be covered in just one line by combining the steam onto the same line as ether. (and would tighten up the rhyme with seemed).
Your poem is well worth some extra work and thought as I liked the subject idea. The last line image of the sunrise blinding you on the f
ar horizon of the road was great.