12-07-2012, 05:15 PM
Hi,
I've given some of my thoughts below.
I thought that you had used the title well and that the subject of telling the life story of the phisical door was a good choice.
Your poem has a simple story line which is actually quite refreshing, but when the subject is simple i feel that then the actual words need to be working harder, to give me a sense of delight in the orther arts of a poem. I felt that you did have some very nice images and lines in here (each stanza had some great images that were weakened by the narative aspect of the other lines). I felt that perhaps some work to replace some of the plainer statments with lines that will tickle the ears on recital out loud or stimulate the mind in the reading would be benificial. Maybe some of this could be achieved by the trimming of some of the filler words ("the & and in particular).
Perhaps (just a suggestion) a revisit the last line of each stanza. I'm not convinced about the whole repitition of this line and wondered how it might work if you just kept the final door and made the rest of each line differant (and spiced up the word use within this) and then kept just the first and last end lines the same ....or something like that....as ever just my musings and an idea for you to consider.
Overall a good poem that gave me a solid rooted feel so that I enjoyed the journey of thoughts
I've given some of my thoughts below.
I thought that you had used the title well and that the subject of telling the life story of the phisical door was a good choice.
Your poem has a simple story line which is actually quite refreshing, but when the subject is simple i feel that then the actual words need to be working harder, to give me a sense of delight in the orther arts of a poem. I felt that you did have some very nice images and lines in here (each stanza had some great images that were weakened by the narative aspect of the other lines). I felt that perhaps some work to replace some of the plainer statments with lines that will tickle the ears on recital out loud or stimulate the mind in the reading would be benificial. Maybe some of this could be achieved by the trimming of some of the filler words ("the & and in particular).
Perhaps (just a suggestion) a revisit the last line of each stanza. I'm not convinced about the whole repitition of this line and wondered how it might work if you just kept the final door and made the rest of each line differant (and spiced up the word use within this) and then kept just the first and last end lines the same ....or something like that....as ever just my musings and an idea for you to consider.
Overall a good poem that gave me a solid rooted feel so that I enjoyed the journey of thoughts