Lost socks
#4
(12-04-2012, 07:34 PM)benthejack Wrote:  great poem!
a bit of feedback below


(12-04-2012, 06:53 PM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  Curled up tight, dried out of sight.
Spun too thin, slipped round the rim.


These are the socks they want you to find, <--this comes out a little halting, maybe swap "they want" with "for"?
these are the socks they leave behind,
wash basket monster, what can it be
the lost socks are coming and there after me. <--- maybe drop the "and"? coming, they're after me

A material mass, a lonely life form
some live in tatters some live in torn
They hide in draws and pretend to be found <--- another possibly unnecessary "and"?
then turn into gloves when word gets around <-- hah! I like it Smile
some do your ankles, some do your knee
some do the dusting, some come as three <-- Smile

so when you chose, to screw socks in a ball
and throw them in baskets, bounced of the wall,
there’s a material monster with toe holes for eyes,
who’s waiting for one, to say his goodbye's.Beg
Have done a quick update thanks for the pointers

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Lost socks - by Keith - 12-04-2012, 06:53 PM
RE: Lost socks - by benthejack - 12-04-2012, 07:34 PM
RE: Lost socks - by Keith - 12-05-2012, 06:58 AM
RE: Lost socks - by kamirakara - 12-05-2012, 05:51 AM
RE: Lost socks - by Bizzy - 12-06-2012, 09:45 PM



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