Behind a Different Door:
#8
(12-01-2012, 06:24 PM)billy Wrote:  Mummy scares me...
She drinks lots of water;
after she stops falling over - prefer "when" she stops falling over
it's time for cigarettes

"Milly" she calls

I'm frightened of hearing. - great line
My name gives me dreams
of blooded broom handles - bloodied?Perhaps you have it right
and the smell of poo

I'm invisible sometimes
but sometimes not
when she sees me through the wood
and points a finger that says

"I know where you are"

I wee myself and start shaking - "start shaking" is unconvincing for me

She can see me now
she's got the broom...
- maybe "and she's looking for the broom" gives a different kind of tension to the ending

originated from this thread. changed holding in the last line to 'got'
Good stuff.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
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Messages In This Thread
Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-01-2012, 06:24 PM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by Todd - 12-01-2012, 11:22 PM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-02-2012, 07:37 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by Leanne - 12-02-2012, 05:05 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by Keith - 12-03-2012, 06:20 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-03-2012, 03:24 PM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by benthejack - 12-03-2012, 04:32 PM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-04-2012, 10:37 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by penguin - 12-04-2012, 06:56 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by gemini - 12-05-2012, 10:34 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-05-2012, 10:37 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by xx81510xx - 12-14-2012, 10:05 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-14-2012, 10:18 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by tectak - 12-18-2012, 08:06 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-18-2012, 09:06 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by tectak - 12-18-2012, 09:48 PM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-19-2012, 07:33 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by Jae Mc Donnell - 12-18-2012, 10:41 AM
RE: Behind a Different Door: - by billy - 12-18-2012, 10:52 AM



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