12-03-2012, 02:59 PM
welcome DoReMi! My thoughts for you
I think you pick up on interesting ideas and turn them into good images. "yawning, aching chasm" is great; it is when you give specific images like this that I really start enjoying pieces. Some areas in the poem where I would encourage you to do something similar are:
stanza 2: the loss of words (can you think of an image to show that to me?)
stanza 3: that brings relief (rather than just saying "relief", can you describe how it feels? what it may look like? how it tastes? smells? etc.).
especially for a first poem, I think you have something good to start with
I think you pick up on interesting ideas and turn them into good images. "yawning, aching chasm" is great; it is when you give specific images like this that I really start enjoying pieces. Some areas in the poem where I would encourage you to do something similar are:
stanza 2: the loss of words (can you think of an image to show that to me?)
stanza 3: that brings relief (rather than just saying "relief", can you describe how it feels? what it may look like? how it tastes? smells? etc.).
especially for a first poem, I think you have something good to start with
Written only for you to consider.