12-03-2012, 10:58 AM
Don't be embarrassed, we all start somewhere.
First thing: you need a title, it's like an introduction and catches a reader's attention.
You have captured the feeling of despair really well in such a short poem.
My suggestion is ending this with "night will return" because the other remaining lines can be assumed throughout the poem it's just adding extra to an already good understanding of the despair.
This was a really good poem, you have great lines and detail I liked how you described communication as a shapeless scream and that it's soundless because it can't be understood by anyone else.
First thing: you need a title, it's like an introduction and catches a reader's attention.
You have captured the feeling of despair really well in such a short poem.
My suggestion is ending this with "night will return" because the other remaining lines can be assumed throughout the poem it's just adding extra to an already good understanding of the despair.
This was a really good poem, you have great lines and detail I liked how you described communication as a shapeless scream and that it's soundless because it can't be understood by anyone else.