12-03-2012, 05:43 AM
Welcome!
I thought this was great, I thought you described the fisherman well with a lot of good words.
Just a couple suggestions:
I think the 2nd line is stronger and would make a good first line, a sort of just diving into the narrative without the one word setup that you have already.
Instead of saying the evil's in his soul which is kinda cliche line maybe state what evil, like maybe describe the evil
The mattress and the facial hair bit was brilliant, I loved how you made that connection.
This really gives the reader a pretty good feel of this man's character and also his appearance without giving out too much information.
A really good read.
I thought this was great, I thought you described the fisherman well with a lot of good words.
Just a couple suggestions:
I think the 2nd line is stronger and would make a good first line, a sort of just diving into the narrative without the one word setup that you have already.
Instead of saying the evil's in his soul which is kinda cliche line maybe state what evil, like maybe describe the evil
The mattress and the facial hair bit was brilliant, I loved how you made that connection.
This really gives the reader a pretty good feel of this man's character and also his appearance without giving out too much information.
A really good read.