12-02-2012, 10:01 AM
I don't really have any room to comment on anyone else work but, this is a place for growing right?
I think that along with whatever previous advice that was given, perhaps for a poem like this you should lose the rhyme and focus more on the description and diction.
I do like the first line though. "The sun, unshadowed" --It makes me think about the power of the sun and how anything is rarely bright and big enough to make a shadow of it. :-)
I think that along with whatever previous advice that was given, perhaps for a poem like this you should lose the rhyme and focus more on the description and diction.
I do like the first line though. "The sun, unshadowed" --It makes me think about the power of the sun and how anything is rarely bright and big enough to make a shadow of it. :-)