12-01-2012, 09:43 PM
Thanks for that and yes - you are right - that's exactly what it's about. Eyes are red-rimmed - does that make more sense? I chose the 'list' style because I try to make it pared down - or else I am inclined to gush!
Gotta love friends, I have a few like that too. I can write the whole roses are red, violets are blue and they'll think I'm a genius.
I'm thinking this is about one person wanting more while the other just wants to get laid.
If I'm wrong it's only because my mind stays in the gutter.
I like how you ended the poem using some of the lines from the first stanza , nice touch. I tend to do that and sometimes it's a hit and miss but I think it works here.
I'm just having a hard time making a connection with "red brimmed" only because I don't know what you're trying to say.
It feels more like a list, while I like your word choice because it's a unique approach, but I think it would be more of something with more description.
I definitely like how you begin it, almost like it was taken from in the middle of a conversation.
I like reading this.
[/quote]
Gotta love friends, I have a few like that too. I can write the whole roses are red, violets are blue and they'll think I'm a genius.
I'm thinking this is about one person wanting more while the other just wants to get laid.
If I'm wrong it's only because my mind stays in the gutter.
I like how you ended the poem using some of the lines from the first stanza , nice touch. I tend to do that and sometimes it's a hit and miss but I think it works here.
I'm just having a hard time making a connection with "red brimmed" only because I don't know what you're trying to say.
It feels more like a list, while I like your word choice because it's a unique approach, but I think it would be more of something with more description.
I definitely like how you begin it, almost like it was taken from in the middle of a conversation.
I like reading this.
[/quote]