Big Girls Don't Cry (Playground-edit 2)

[billy]

My first poem so I'm hoping for honest feedback. Thank you.

Playing is in the playground why not play?
chocolates in the box,
maturity is the taste of
artificial flavor.
feeling your mouth sweat
melting inside.
It's hands clutching
the metal on the swings would 'metal on swings' do the same job?
swaying back and forth.

It's the door swinging two swing/swinging? would being help as a suggestion?
open and close. which would make this line 'opened and closed'
that final feeling of
a door's warmth against two door/door's?
the wall turning cold.
it's wishing on a penny
in the fountain 'at the fountain' you haven't thrown it in yet
finally throwing it.

Feeling your ghost,
the texture must have
felt distant when it's
sinking to your veins.
the last touch, is your pulse

I'm the echo
repeating alone. i like the solitary image of the 1st two lines calling out.
there isn't anyone
left to fight but there
is an accident
left to prepare for.
time circles around
when the day is blank
until it becomes used
then it is patient, i like the use of patient to define memory. as though it waits to be re-known.
disappearing slowly. i like the enjambment of this very much.

Consider my knees
on the floor once,
the indention in the sounds
of escaping to the bottom
for you.
The eyes forming-swelling
adjusting-existing the mood
to lonliness. loneliness

It's the motion of
pushing yourself from
behind on a slide
to gain momentum
and to finally land from a height.

It's the hands breaking the seal
off a heart-shaped box,
wiping the chocolate on your is 'the' needed? and either move 'your' down or 'clothes' up
clothes. hoping it hides well
in your mouth when it tastes
like childhood. i like guilt the stanza shows. the not wanting to be caught in the act, the wanting it to be more

It's the penny in the fountain
still holding the wish-wishing.
It's the door, worn and beaten
by flashes of leaving,
by staying too long. nice hook to take you back to the beginning. here the repetitions work well

Why couldn't we have been adults?

a really good write. i was taken to forest gump in parts but it got past that. the feel of the poem i got was that of longing. the originality was good and it flowed well. i had no hold up with it on the read.

thanks for posting it.