(11-30-2012, 02:34 PM)Arriedo Wrote: I was born in the tar pits..forged by the hardships -- good rhythm set up from the start
raised in the fields of hell.. my soul was the target
can you imagine living a life surrounded by darkness? -- this line is very bland, I've read it in a thousand poems. Something less general would serve you better. For example, what did hell smell like? What made it hell?
fighting to stay alive so i don't waste away
at an early age i learned to embrace the rage
rape the day
ripped pen through flesh is the only way I'll raze the page
duck behind the buildings when i heard the semi spray -- this line feels less than authentic -- is that semi-automatic weapon or am I missing the meaning entirely? It just seems generic rap stereotype to put in a reference to weapons, even the avoidance of them.
But above all...my lessons consisted of tactics
meditated on classics...became a man from getting my ass kicked --these lines are terrific!
Attained the rank of general by ripping it from these bastards -- I like this stanza but this doesn't feel like a closing line, with undefined "bastards" -- it isn't either a resolution or a promise, which are the two ways I'd expect a piece like this to end
PS. I've been wracking my brains trying to work out why this needs a language warning -- maybe I'm just not as polite as you!
It could be worse