11-30-2012, 02:28 PM
it's good but it stumbles in some places. The fact that you use rhyme means the flow has to be on point and in some places it isnt. the syllables don't match up
"“She spoke to me with tease, pleas, and reason. The language invited me to join her in conversation with thrilling sensation. Her attire shortened my curiosity entirely and tanked my need to ask.// seems to be too long.
It skirted my sanity and sashayed into my deepest dreams until she had my complete attention at last. My hands were intrigued and as they positioned themselves waiting for an answer, she became split open and witnessed me enter the center of her peace.- //I understand the pause a period would just as well.
I was told to feast.
So, I did.”
Her Plea
“I marinated my speech in light dressing and displayed myself as a (sultry) //i would use a different word than sulty
piece of meat. I invited him to take a seat. Maybe I should not have given things time to simmer because it slowly allowed him to come to a boil as I was scolded with third degree burns. I should have smothered myself in insecurity and purity. Maybe then, he would’ve left me alone…”
I enjoyed the vocabulary and the metaphor and the entire message. keep it up this was a solid piece.
"“She spoke to me with tease, pleas, and reason. The language invited me to join her in conversation with thrilling sensation. Her attire shortened my curiosity entirely and tanked my need to ask.// seems to be too long.
It skirted my sanity and sashayed into my deepest dreams until she had my complete attention at last. My hands were intrigued and as they positioned themselves waiting for an answer, she became split open and witnessed me enter the center of her peace.- //I understand the pause a period would just as well.
I was told to feast.
So, I did.”
Her Plea
“I marinated my speech in light dressing and displayed myself as a (sultry) //i would use a different word than sulty
piece of meat. I invited him to take a seat. Maybe I should not have given things time to simmer because it slowly allowed him to come to a boil as I was scolded with third degree burns. I should have smothered myself in insecurity and purity. Maybe then, he would’ve left me alone…”
I enjoyed the vocabulary and the metaphor and the entire message. keep it up this was a solid piece.
Isn't It Evil to Live Backwards~Loaded Lux
I'm Batman, act up and I'll squeeze Hecklers/You'll die before the first clip drops, Heath Ledger!