Big Girls Don't Cry (Playground-edit 2)

[Todd]

Hi Ash,

I had a very strong reaction to this kind of a melancholy reflection. I come to these posts hoping for something great. I think we all do. I genuinely love poetry. I'm so happy when something moves me. I'm going to give you more than a gee I like this. But before I start, I want to make sure you know that gee I really, really like this.

Comments below:

My first poem so I'm hoping for honest feedback. Thank you.

Playing is in the playground--My initial thought is that the "is" saves this line and makes it cool. The is keeps it from being a flat throw away line. It gives it some motion. There is a strong likelihood that your title is not working. Playground is in your first line. Is there any way you can have your title do more expositional work? Be more evocative? Draw the reader in? I feel like you're wasting an opportunity.
chocolates in the box,--you leave out the implied verb "are" breaking structure. I think that's good it makes it more of a metaphor for the children the implied playees. The chocolate is where chocolate is meant to be but that is not necessariily the best place to enjoy chocolate, so too with children. Maybe they are in a way contained in their prescribed place, or more likely the act of playing is the chocolate that we restrict to a place as we mature. Yes that's it. (Thinking as I go hope you don't mind)
maturity is the taste of--I think this proves my suspicions. I love that maturity is a taste. Normally maybe 97 times out of 100 I'd be screaming at breaking a line on of. In this case though just maturity is a taste is flat and uninteresting the of is essential
artificial flavor.--yes unlike the chocolate its artificial of course it is. It's a contrivance. This is wrong though go more specific. It's a piece of licorice soaked in Red No. 5...or saccharine...something more vivid...great setup/bad payoff. Oh lose the period, you don't want a full stop there
feeling your mouth sweat--wonderfully tactile
melting inside.--maturity feels like it should be right but it invades--nice
It's hands clutching--now we try to grip onto what we once had, but it's listless now. Something fundamental has changed. I love this image. I think staying in present tense here would still be the right choice. Stay in the moment when what was precious slips away. I would also consider drawing in closer to the person be cutting the its..."hands clutch"
the metal on the swings
swaying back and forth.--again lovely. So, glad you trust the image and don't weigh it down with modifiers

It's the door swinging--again present tense "The door swings"
open and close.lose the period
that final feeling of--maybe lead the line with an "in" The break would have more tension on feeling in my opinion
a door's warmth against
the wall turning cold.--I like this image. Warmth and cold speaking to an emotional warmth and coldness. The door (possibilities) closing. The walk ,aturity coming up. I think maybe "a" wall to stick with your structural choices
it's wishing on a penny
in the fountain
finally throwing it.--this plays on the earlier open and close. This is hope and regret in one image. Love it a lot

Feeling your ghost,
the texture must have--great lines. You the adult are an afterimage, a regret or series of them, a might-have-been
felt distant when it's--feeling and felt are pretty close together. It works but just barely. You don't need when it's. You could pull sinking up a line optionally
sinking to your veins.
the last touch, is your pulse--you can cut is

I'm the echo
repeating alone.
there isn't anyone--capitalize there
left to fight but there
is an accident
left to prepare for.--wonderful line.
time circles around--around isn't necessary. A little reincarnation or at the least second chances. Can regret drive us to recapture what was lost? Is the accident avoidable or preordained?
when the day is blank--great line
until it becomes used--good
then it is patient,--you could cut this the next line does the work
disappearing slowly.--love this

Consider my knees
on the floor once,
the indention in the sounds
of escaping to the bottom
for you.
The eyes forming-swelling
adjusting-existing the mood
to lonliness.

--I haven't run out of steam. I just had no suggestions. I'm tracking. I like the personal for you addition. No nits in this part

It's the motion of--the of break works here
pushing yourself from
behind on a slide--love this it's cool phrasing and a sort of touch echo playing of the earlier echo line, a memory, a side-by-side reliving. The adult ghost playing in regret. The adult remembering
to gain momentum
and to finally land from a height.--like this

It's the hands breaking the seal--the break makes it apocalyptic like the scroll in Revellation
off a heart-shaped box,
wiping the chocolate on your--don't like the break maybe pull up clothes
clothes. hoping it hides well
in your mouth when it tastes
like childhood.--nice

It's the penny in the fountain
still holding the wish-wishing.
It's the door, worn and beaten
by flashes of leaving,
by staying too long.--this is all good and in my opinion this line is your ending. The next line is much, much less evocative

Why couldn't we have been adults?

I know: stop writing so much in your critique. I hope it will be helpful and not overwhelming. My interpretation is probably all over the place. I loved the poem though. One of my favorites on the site.

I'm sorry I missed it four months ago. Thank you for posting it.

Best,

Todd