New user new poem

[billy]

hi Bizzy
hopefully you'll get some constructive feedback here
i like the layout of the poem and the content the idea is a good one. what lets it down in places from are the cliche which dot the poem the 2nd to last verse could also be helped by swapping out the clichéd lines. the repetition at the end isn't too bad. all in all in needs a smallish edit in order to make it more original.

thanks for the read.

I have always loved poetry & written quite a few. Friends think they are fine but then they would! Hoping for some constructive ideas on direction, technique etc.

Heart in mouth - here goes ..............

Ending

Don’t look at me that way:
Turn your red-rimmed,
Tear-brimmed,
Eyes to mine; no probs here, the seen is set fairly well for the breakup ahead.

It was nothing more than
A passing thing,
Brief fling,
Killing time. the opening line feels week and each line is a very come phrase (cliche) try and saty the same thing in an original way.

Neither one was meant to
Have a heart sore, i like this line, i haven't heard the phrase heart sore before
Want more,
Love defined this line feels like it needs to be better explained.

You accuse me of a
Breach of trust,
Just lust,
That’s my crime.

See my guilty verdict
In your red-rimmed
Tear-brimmed
Eyes on mine.