11-30-2012, 03:29 AM
Nice title. The punctuation needs some attention, I think, more commas than are needed.
The lights have gone the house is out, - good opening line
the power heard the miners shout.
Police shields and barricades,
black lungs, spit early graves. - I'd lose the comma
Maggi cries close them down, - I reckon "hollers" would fit better than cries.
there's nothing left in this town.
Gritted teeth jab, scab and hate, - I'd lose the comma after jab
violence spills, pitless gates. - violence is a bit bland
Wiper blades, smearing eggs,
police hats, Yorkshire men’s heads - Yorkie's heads?
Terrified faces turn in shame, - Terrified is too long a word. Maybe stricken
dark dust eyes cry the same.
Plastic buckets coins and coughs,
hard men and mines, simply lost.
Dole queue days, depressions creep,
veins are rich but coal is cheap.
The lights have gone the house is out, - good opening line
the power heard the miners shout.
Police shields and barricades,
black lungs, spit early graves. - I'd lose the comma
Maggi cries close them down, - I reckon "hollers" would fit better than cries.
there's nothing left in this town.
Gritted teeth jab, scab and hate, - I'd lose the comma after jab
violence spills, pitless gates. - violence is a bit bland
Wiper blades, smearing eggs,
police hats, Yorkshire men’s heads - Yorkie's heads?
Terrified faces turn in shame, - Terrified is too long a word. Maybe stricken
dark dust eyes cry the same.
Plastic buckets coins and coughs,
hard men and mines, simply lost.
Dole queue days, depressions creep,
veins are rich but coal is cheap.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.