11-29-2012, 04:13 AM
Seems like a spoken word poetry. You have a few strong lines:
" I feel the love with every smack and hit"
"The romance is shown with every split lip"
That's just a couple that really gave me goosebumps. I like that it's broken up into two parts almost like you can see her going through a transformation. I also enjoyed how you tied it all up around a coffin from start to finish, it really works with it.
Some of the lines are cliche: "hearts above the dotted I's" while the message is powerful it's not shining through in that way.
"The start of a different day" same thing
The last line is really a good ending for this I think because it's almost like a hallelujah moment for her.
All in all it's really a raw, emotional piece that people can relate to and maybe learn something from and you presented it well with your metaphor and images.
" I feel the love with every smack and hit"
"The romance is shown with every split lip"
That's just a couple that really gave me goosebumps. I like that it's broken up into two parts almost like you can see her going through a transformation. I also enjoyed how you tied it all up around a coffin from start to finish, it really works with it.
Some of the lines are cliche: "hearts above the dotted I's" while the message is powerful it's not shining through in that way.
"The start of a different day" same thing
The last line is really a good ending for this I think because it's almost like a hallelujah moment for her.
All in all it's really a raw, emotional piece that people can relate to and maybe learn something from and you presented it well with your metaphor and images.