Ionan Seas (or how to put a overpriced guide book to good use)

[Todd]

Hey TA,

I love the or part of the title. This is a departure from what I've read from you previously. There are some really good sequences. My thoughts below:

How great this burden
How cruel the Gods mock--don't think you need mock
To be born beneath the immortal ones--don't think you need the immortal ones. The Gods of the previous line and the mortality of the next tie it all together
Smited by consequences of mortality--maybe a the before consequences

Gently rocking upon Posiedens blue--minor typo: 's
Ever watched by Olympian eyes
Blighting my sight with such kaleidoscopic vistas--It's not awful but you could probably cut such. I like kaleidoscopic vistas
Breaking my soul as glass upon the rocks--tighten this up some maybe: My soul is glass upon the rocks

Shards of me sink, into Ionan seas
For I have been cursed with, the perfect day--utterly love this idea. It's good enough to restructure the poem and lead with it, but it works here
None shall be like this no more--maybe again instead of no more
To fade into a tomorrows memory--you could cut "a"

No painting no picture will recapture--maybe could capture instead of will recapture. Just a thought
The sights an sounds entwined with emotions--I would consider cutting with emotions and let the next line simply demonstrate those feelings
Feelings of completeness, almost oneness--Consider cutting feelings of
As calm as Ionan hues--lovely image

A tear falls as salted as the deep--like the image here
Lost forever, as this moments death
1000 years I could live, but never again today
Blissfully uncaring, drifting on Ionan seas--this is all very nicely phrased

Zeus has held me high like Nike
Hermes stilled my spirit, as these tranquil waters--maybe cut the comma and replace as with at
Cursed be this perfect day
For the morrow I shall return to the arms of Ares--if we are going to go with the archaic morrow maybe add an "on" before the

Finite me clings to this earthly heaven seen
Waves of passion felt so intimatley, I could touch
The sadness in the knowledge
Dawn they shall be gone, as Loggerheads on the tides--I felt the first three lines were a bit telly. Maybe condense: At dawn, this shall be gone (line break) as Loggerheads on the tides. Again just a thought

To live this moment forever--nice
Would the beauty eventually diminish ?
Eroded rainbows, with colour faded--don't think you need the comma but maybe plural colours (nice btw)
Tis then that I'll know
Is my time to die--you could cut is and I think it would be stronger

I like it. I think a bit of paring it down would make it pop more. I'm sorry for filling your poem with more of my black ink.

Best,

Todd